CONTROL

Once somebody starts showing signs of jealousy, you may notice they will start slowly trying to control what you do or don't do. According to my best friend it was little things at first such as : he asked her not to wear certain clothes because he said it was attention seeking clothes, he asked her if he could have her passwords to social media since she has nothing to hide, and other things he was slowly controlling was who she hung out with as friends. To her she did not put much thought into this, she assumed he was just being protective of her because he loved her and did not want to loose her. She said she understood why he did not want her to wear low cut shirts, or skin tight leggings as pants because she would get attention from other guys and of course that would bother her partner. She also made excuses why she understood he didn't approve of her friendships, because she told them past stories on how they drink and do flirty things when they are together. He did not seem to care whether she was single or not during these past stories. He was only concerned with making sure she did not have the chance to do it while she was dating him. I asked her about why he had to have access to all her social media and she stated because he liked using her Facebook better she had funny posts on hers and his was boring they said. This control lasted a few months before it started turning more intense. In the beginning he just asked her not to wear certain clothing he did not approve of, now if she tries to wear them he would get upset and throw them in the dumpster. She has tried to ask to have her own social media but he would get upset and start arguing with her that she must be wanting to talk to somebody else, why else would she want her privacy back? Eventually it reached the point where she did not have to ask to hang with any friends because he made it extremely clear during random conversations that all her friends were "whores" and she was not going to be in a relationship with him and hang out with those people.

AUDIENCE REFLECTION ON CONTROL

Do you think you would notice that he is trying to control every aspect of her life in the beginning? Or do you understand where she made excuses for him assuming he was just afraid to loose her. In the beginning he wasn't demanding or came off angry. He just had certain requests he discussed with her and asked her if she could please respect his wishes. It wasn't until months later which at this point is over a year into their relationship that he started becoming angry with his demands. At this point would you leave the relationship or would you stay and try to prove to him he can trust you and hopefully he will go back to how he was in the beginning. Sometimes looking at an abusive relationship whether its verbal, mental, or physical its easy to see the flaws of a partner and its easy to past judgement on the significant other for staying. However when you are in the abusive relationship it is very easy to make excuses and believe your excuses and choose to stay. Excuses such as : he was perfect in the beginning, all I need to do is get him to the way he was when we first met, another excuse my best friend said she told herself was if only she could get him to trust her again than everything will be okay. Mind you my best friend has never cheated or disrespected her significant other. His reasons for showing jealousy and control was because he knew how she was before they dated. When she was single she liked to go to bars and dance on the weekends and gain a lot of men's attention he said. He said he knows everybody wants to be with her and she enjoys the attention she gets. Please know that just because a person starts acting jealous or controlling, this does not mean that you did anything wrong. This is the persons own insecurities that they are trying to deal with and they are handling it in a negative way.

If you or somebody you know is in an unhealthy and abusive relationship please do not hesitate to contact (1-800-799-7233) which is the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. They also have a website you can visit (https://nccadv.org/). Also please understand that a person does not have to physically cause harm to you to abuse you. There is physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and financial abuse. By clicking on each type brings up a website that will better help you understand the difference.

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"identifying mental abuse within domestic relationships" https://domestic-violence.laws.com/mental-abuse-within-domestic-violence (2017)

Theresas fund, INC "When abusers use sexual abuse to control" https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/when-abusers-use-sexual-abuse-to-control

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