MANIPULATION

          According to my best friend her boyfriend began becoming violent in different stages. First stage was showing jealousy, then she noticed he started showing controlling ways, and now she is starting to become manipulated by him. However, during the time of the manipulation she did not realize she was being manipulated. According to the website (www.thefreedictonary.com/manipulation) manipulation is "the act of being manipulated". manipulated means "to negotiate, control, or influence somebody or something cleverly, skillfully, or deviously". this can also be found on the website (www.thefreedictonary.com/manipulate). This is part of the relationship my best friend says that other people looking in can notice the negative signs but she couldn't because she was the one being manipulated to see differently.

          She said manipulation followed by control because he tried to control different aspects in her life by manipulating her to believe he was right and she should do as he says. For example he wanted her to start cooking more often than she does. Instead of having a conversation asking if she didn't mind cooking more home cooked meals instead of ordering take out, he manipulated her into cooking more. He would question her parenting skills by asking what kind of mother was too lazy to cook for her children? instead of cooking a home cooked meal that they needed she was too lazy to cook and get take out which is unhealthy for her children.

          She felt that he was right, maybe she was being a bad mom by stuffing their faces with fast food and not enough home cooked meals so she began cooking dinner nightly for the whole family. However he did not approve of the way she seasoned things. He would spit the food out or make comments letting her know she did a horrible job cooking and she needs to start cooking better. Over and over she would try new things to cook but he constantly would degrade her as a woman and a mother about her cooking. Didn't her mother teach her how to cook or was she too busy being a whore than to raise her daughter with the basic knowledge  a woman should know.

          Cooking was no the only thing he was putting her down about but her clothes. He already went through her closet and threw away a lot of the outfits he disapproved of now he feels the need to manipulate her into not wanting to buy anymore. He makes comments when she wears fitted clothes that she looks like a nasty whore instead of a mother. She is almost 30 why is she wearing ripped jeans that are tight and revealing as he claims? She must be trying to get attention from other guys because his attention is not enough for her.

          Not only did he tell her she was a nasty whore for wanting to wear clothes he told her not to wear but he also put her body down to make her feel as if she is unable to wear certain clothes. He told her that her stomach looks ugly after having a child and she looks disgusting wearing crop tops. He told her that her butt is starting to sag and it looks like a grandma's butt when she wears certain pants. He made a comments about her breast that its obvious to everybody how small they had shrunken after having their last child and to cover her "chest bone" up and stop trying to show off something she does not have. My best friend lost all her baby weight and looked almost identical to how she looked before she got pregnant however, with him saying these negative comments to her daily has her believing she is ugly and disgusting and in return she changes her wardrobe to make sure she isn't showing any of her flaws.

          At this point they have two children 10 months apart plus a child each of their own. Together makes four children she looks after on top of working and attempting to go back to school again. The average person finds themselves tired physically and mentally occasionally. She felt overwhelmed at times because not only would she work and go to school altering days during the day time, but during the night the two youngest would still wake up constantly through the night. The father never offered to wake up and help her even when she was the only one working and he did not have to wake up in the morning. This caused her to become overwhelmed and during the afternoons after work she would take naps with the kids.

          He would notice that instead of deep cleaning the house or prepping dinner she would take a nap sometimes and wake up rushing to start dinner. He used this to his advantage by telling her how worthless she is as a woman. She is a mother, she is the one that decided to have children, she knew what she was getting herself into. These are things he would say to her during arguments. As a mother instead of sleeping she should have dusted the house, instead of napping she could have marinated the meat to perfection. Instead she chose to be lazy and worthless by laying around and sleeping all day as he claims. Please keep in mind that my best friend is a clean freak. She does not go to sleep without cleaning her entire house and when she wakes up she cleans anything she might have missed from the night before.

          In his eyes however it was never good enough for him. Calling her worthless, lazy, and a bad mother eventually took a tole on her emotionally. She tried so hard every day to wake up and please him and be the best that she can but regardless of what she would try she found herself being blamed for everything not being the way it suppose to be.

AUDIENCE REFLECTION

          Have you ever been in a situation where looking back you were being manipulated but weren't aware of it? Do you think if you were in my best friends shoes that you would notice what he is really trying to do or would be believe the horrible things he put in your head? My best friend was not aware at the time that she was being manipulated. She blamed herself for the way she cooked, for the way she looked, for the way she cleaned, and even her parenting skills. Nothing she tried was ever good enough for her. It wasn't until months later she realized she was being manipulated. He made the suggestion that she should dress up for him sexually. She said that she didn't feel beautiful because he was always making remarks about her body. He then admitted for the first time that he tells her she is unattractive because he doesn't want her to wear things that show off her body. He said if she feels like she is ugly than she would not want to wear things that showed it off. She was in shock, how can somebody that loves her so much lie and put her down about her body just because they don't want her to wear certain things?

          Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? Do you know somebody else that has been in a similar situation? Do you feel that they were blind to the situation because they were being manipulated or do you feel they were being ignorant and stayed out of love? Lookin back my best friend agrees both. She was ignorantly in love because even after knowing he is purposely manipulating her, she still chose to stay. She said she had a family with him and that she wanted to be happy again. In the beginning she made him so happy and they were happy together. She just needs to figure a way to make him happy again, and they will be happy together again.

If you or somebody you know is in an unhealthy and abusive relationship please do not hesitate to contact (1-800-799-7233) which is the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. They also have a website you can visit (https://nccadv.org/). Also please understand that a person does not have to physically cause harm to you to abuse you. There is physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and financial abuse. By clicking on each type brings up a website that will better help you understand the difference.

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"identifying mental abuse within domestic relationships" https://domestic-violence.laws.com/mental-abuse-within-domestic-violence (2017)

Theresas fund, INC "When abusers use sexual abuse to control" https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/when-abusers-use-sexual-abuse-to-control (2019)

Gordon, S. "how to identify financial abuse in a relationship" https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224 (2019)