PHYSICAL ABUSE

The purpose of my blog is to inform people about domestic violence and how dangerous it is. This post "Physical Abuse" is about the experience my best friend went through that turned into physical abuse. By explaining to the audience her personal experience that turned into physical abuse it may can prevent others in the same situation or will become victims in the future by recognizing the signs that my best friend was blind to.

          After 2 years of emotional and mental abuse my best friend recalls the first time he ever laid a hand on her. They were arguing because right after she had their last son he started staying out and not coming back home until around 3am every night. She suffered from slight Post Partum Depression from having children back to back. He had her completely isolated at this point leaving her to feel very alone. She wasn't violent or had any harmful thoughts towards her and her children. Her post partum signs were constantly crying and feeling alone. This is when she needed her fiancé the most, however he stayed gone as much as possible it seemed. They started arguing and even though he knew how she felt and what she was going through he still continued to stay out. She felt she had finally had enough and told him its time for him to just come get his things and leave.

          He finally came home and was all over her telling her how sorry he was. At this point my best friend said she was tired of hearing the constant excuses and was ready for him to just leave the house all together. She got up to go into his closet to help pack and that's when he grabbed her around the throat and slammed her onto their bathroom floor. He got on top of her and continued to choke her and refused to stop. He did this about 4 times before demanding that she go lay in the bed right at that intent. She was shocked and terrified, no matter what the circumstance was she had never laid a hand on her before. She listened to him and laid down and went to sleep.  The next day he woke up and went to work like nothing had happened. She was terrified to bring up the conversation so she decided to just let it go.

          He still continued to stay out and at this point she is noticing that he is becoming distant with her. She had been pregnant the past 18 months and was looking forward to him planning a night out for them. All day she was preparing a baby sitter and making plans to get a new outfit just for him. She was so excited they were finally going to pend time together without the children. She felt this is what they needed. She dropped the children off and on the way to the house he called to let her know he was going out with friends instead and maybe she should have a girls night herself. She was devastated... why would he not want to spend time with her especially after all day of planning to go spend a date night out. She broke down and blocked him off her phone and told him to just leave her alone. She was tired of being pushed away. She decided to call and tell her job she would bartend tonight if they needed her. They agreed for her to come in because it was a busy night and they can use the extra hands.

          My best friends is a very outgoing person, so when she came into work that night it was obvious to everyone that something was not right. She told her co workers her and her fiancé were arguing and if he tried to come see her tonight to please not let him. That is where everything changed. He tried to come in to see her and was told he was not able to. He sent his friends in to relay a message and they too were turned down at the door. This put him in a rage like never before. He knew what time my best friend was getting off work and hid his vehicle at the business next door while he waited in his truck.

          she recalls noticing his truck pull out behind her when she did but just assumed he would try to beg her to talk to him. She pulled up to the stop light nd when she turned to look out her window he was there with a gun point at her demanding she let him in the truck. They wrestled the vehicle door and over the driver seat for about 10 minutes which ended with him pistol whipping her elbow multiple times. She gave in and finally crawled to the passenger seat where for the next 3 hours she would be pistol whipped, punched, slapped, strangled, beat with a belt, head slammed on the window, raped vaginally and attempted to be raped anally as well. She recalls having the gun pointed at her countless of times, she was even ordered to suck on the gun as if she was giving oral sex.

          after pleading for her life four hours and hours, she noticed that the only thing that was calming him down was telling him she wasn't going to leave him and she loved her. She understood she was the reason he was mad and if she never blocked him she wouldn't be the situation she was currently in. Since that night she has been abused physically every day/night for any particular reason. She kept staying because at that moment she was in shock, this never happened the past 2 years so he must be going through something that is making him act like this. She blamed herself for every time she was beaten. She tried to fix and change everything that would make him upset but no matter what, it seemed she always did something wrong.

          Again, she finally reached a breaking point and packed up to take the kids and leave him. He reached a breaking point as well. He has beat her senseless for the past 2 going on 3 months at this point yet she has not learned her lesson. He had to step his authority up and show her that when he told her that if he cant have her nobody will that he meant it. She will never forget the day he strangled her constantly and relentless until she blacked out... Coming to he had let go but when he noticed she was still alive he strangled again. She finally gave up all hope. She stopped trying to fight his hands off of her and started praying in her head. She asked for forgiveness for anything she had done because she knew it would only be a matter of seconds before she would meet her creator. It was then during her praying that he finally stopped. The attack didn't stop, he was still punching her in the head, but the strangulation finally stopped and she was thankful to still be alive.

          It was at this point she realized he has no respect or care for her life and it will be easy for him to kill her. Since then she has stayed and stopped trying to leave him. She has called the cops in the past but he would only be held for 48 hours and he reminded her while the cops were there he would come right back. She gets messages and voicemails daily reminding her he will murder her if she leaves and no restraining order or cop will stop him from returning to finish the job. Her family has all turned their back on her because they feel like she is staying as a choice and not forced. They feel like she can just call the cops and leave if she rally wanted to. Also her friends assume she likes to get beat and also feel like she is dumb and turned their back on her. All she has is her children and him. The children know nothing of what is going on. He only abuses her behind closed doors out their sight. He is not violent to the children in any way and is a very loving and caring father to all of his children.

AUDIENCE REFLECTION

          What would you do if you were in her shoes? he has already proven multiple times that killing her is seconds away and he is not bothered by showing her he is serious. Do you think she is ignorant and should call the cops? However in North Carolina domestic violence holds a detaining of only 48 hours and he is free to bond out. You think she should arrest him and take a restraining order out? maybe I should have added that he has had past felony charges for kidnapping and robbery and a charge and the cops do not show him any fear. Do you understand why she is choosing to stay because she does have children and need to be smart and stay alive at the moment? It would be easier to escape if she didn't have children but she needs to make sure she does what is in their best interest and that is whatever it takes to stay alive at this point.

          If you or somebody you know is in an unhealthy and abusive relationship please do not hesitate to contact (1-800-799-7233) which is the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. They also have a website you can visit (https://nccadv.org/). Also please understand that a person does not have to physically cause harm to you to abuse you. There is physical, emotional, mental, sexual, and financial abuse. By clicking on each type brings up a website that will better help you understand the difference.

"what is physical abuse" https://domestic-violence.laws.com/physical-abuse-and-domestic-violence (2017)

Meyer. C,. "LiveAboutDotCom" (Are you a victim of motional abuse) https://www.liveabout.com/are-you-a-victim-of-emotional-abuse-1102421

"identifying mental abuse within domestic relationships" https://domestic-violence.laws.com/mental-abuse-within-domestic-violence (2017)

Theresas fund, INC "When abusers use sexual abuse to control" https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/when-abusers-use-sexual-abuse-to-control (2019)

Gordon, S. "how to identify financial abuse in a relationship" https://www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224 (2019)